When we watch kids as they are growing up and trying new things, we recognize that stumbling is a normal part of the learning process. But when we become adults, we expect ourselves to be perfect at everything the first time we try it. Where is the logic in that? I often hear women say they struggle with shame in their career choices. In this post, I want to talk about why you still feel shame after leaving a toxic job.
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Maybe the concept of leaving a job is inducing shame in you. Or maybe you’ve already left a toxic job and are looking for something else and that transition period is causing you to feel shame about leaving. Shame is such a powerful, negative, emotion, that can and will control your decision-making. It will hold you back from doing certain things. It will impact how you show up in the world. If you are feeling shame after leaving a toxic job, this post is for you! I want to talk about where that shame might be coming from so that you can address it and overcome it.
Why You Still Feel Shame After Leaving a Toxic Job
Societal Expectations
There are five things that shame comes from as it relates to career transitions. The first thing that may be causing you to feel shame in your career change is societal expectations. In most societies, a woman is very much still expected to be nurturing, and caring, to put people’s needs before their own. When you are in a toxic job that is unaligned with who you are, it’s unfulfilling. It negatively impacts your health. When you are in that position and you start to consider leaving or you have already left, what you’re essentially saying is that you are going to prioritize yourself, your fulfillment, and your needs in the situation.
You aren’t going to stay and let a company keep taking advantage of you. And you aren’t going to stay and suffer at a job that isn’t paying you a value-aligned salary. Instead, you are going to go somewhere where you are seen and valued. You are putting yourself first and society doesn’t like it for women to put themselves first. I know I am generalizing and there are some pockets of places where women are celebrated for prioritizing themselves, but generally the message we receive from the media, society, and sometimes even from loved ones is that as a woman, you are here for everybody. You are here to serve people. And because of our society, when you choose to prioritize yourself, that might not be celebrated. As a matter of fact, people might go to the extreme and shame you for prioritizing yourself in your career.
Sticking it Out
One thing that I find important to think about, especially if you’re a black or brown woman, people love a strong black woman. People love for women to be strong and resilient, which in a work situation when you are in an unaligned job that is toxic, usually means sticking it out. It’s not as bad as you think. That’s the message we can hear. Yes, resilience is great. It’s a great variable for helping you navigate trauma and stress. But being resilient is exhausting. It takes energy and strength to always be resilient in the face of a job that makes you feel less than, undervalued, and doubting yourself. The idea of women sticking it out or toughing it out is not a healthy mindset. And it may be the source of the shame you are feeling around leaving your job.
The Stigma Around Leaving
The second thing that may be causing you shame around leaving a toxic job is the stigma of leaving. Leaving a job is often stigmatized, especially when you don’t have anything else lined up. People rarely celebrate the decision to leave a job when you leave without anything else lined up. People call you flaky. They might say that you were quitting because you couldn’t handle the responsibilities of that job or say that you are being selfish or irresponsible. There is a certain stigma around leaving a job in general. And I think that is further exacerbated if you are a woman, especially if you are a woman in a primarily male-dominated field or if you are a racially minoritized individual.
When you are in spaces like those and you leave a job, that stigma can follow in the sense of, you weren’t good enough. You couldn’t handle it, you couldn’t do the job. That type of thinking can lead you to feel shame about leaving the job. People also love to place a stigma around quitting a job as if quitting is always a bad thing. You weren’t good enough. You couldn’t handle it so you quit. When you are in a toxic job, to me quitting shows a level of self-awareness in knowing that this place is not a good fit for you. You aren’t going to thrive there. You aren’t going to show up in excellence there so it makes sense to leave and go somewhere where you can. Quitting shows a self-awareness of what is and is not good for you. I encourage people to leave jobs that aren’t serving them because in the long run, staying doesn’t help. Quitting doesn’t mean failing. It’s a natural part of the learning process.
Self-doubt
If you are feeling shame after leaving a toxic job, the third thing it could be coming from is your own self-doubt. When you have been in an unaligned and toxic job, that kind of environment usually invalidates you and invalidates your contributions to it, and you start to internalize that. I’ve seen this so many times. When you start doubting your value add, you start asking yourself if you have any skills to do anything else. Or if you even add any value to the workplace at all. You start to think this is all you are good for. When the people around you and the job itself have undermined you and criticized you for so long, you start to internalize those messages. That’s just how the brain works. When you hear something long enough, you start to believe it. Self-doubt can creep in and make you doubt yourself and your ability to make wise career decisions.
Fear
The fourth thing that might be causing you shame in leaving a toxic job is fear. If you have a family of any kind and you are supporting people around you, the fear of not contributing financially can lead to shame. You’re no longer adding value to that family system. Leaving that job can feel like you are cutting off a source of income and cutting off that source of income can cause fear. A lot of us who are in a family system equate our worth and value to the system, or to the finance or the money we are bringing to the table. You could also be afraid of a career setback. Taking a step backward in your career can feel like you wasted all of the time and energy you put into your career up until this point. That can lead you to feel ashamed about your decision to leave a job.
Disenfranchised Grief
The fifth and last thing that can cause you to feel shame about leaving a toxic job is disenfranchised grief. You might already know this, but I am a licensed professional counselor. I work as a counselor by practice and part of that work is helping people through grief and loss. One thing we often talk about in counseling research is the idea of disenfranchised grief, which refers to grief that is not traditionally supported by society as being legitimate. Society has certain things that are widely accepted as being a loss such as a partner dying in a car accident. Certain things are accepted as a loss and you are allowed to grieve them.
But there are other things that when we lose them, are not widely validated by society as a loss. So the idea of grieving them is not supported. When you leave a job, there is a lot of grief that can come with that. It’s not just the job that you’re losing, whether it’s voluntary or involuntary. You’re losing a part of your identity, your social networks, and your community. You’re losing a source of income and financial stability. There are a lot of losses that come with leaving a job that can lead to grief. You are allowed to grieve that old life. Even if it was toxic. You might be around people who question you and say it was your own choice, which can cause you to hide your grief. Hiding that grief can lead to shame.
These are the five things that might be causing you to feel shame after leaving a toxic job:
- Societal expectations
- The stigma around leaving
- Self Doubt
- Fear
- Disenfranchised grief
Focus on the Future
Instead of focusing on what you’re leaving behind and how you left, think about what you’re walking towards. You’re leaving toxicity, dissatisfaction, and devaluation and walking towards fulfillment, operating as excellent, and making a difference in the world. Focus on where you’re going, because the more you keep focusing on the past, the more that shame will just keep getting bigger.